Duki's Incredibly Insane Xmen Evo Show
by Rubber Duki
Summary: Duki's Incredibly Insane and Politically Incorrect X-men Evo Show. BUG HUNT!!! If you like insanity and stupid laughs, go ahead and read. WARNING: We bring you evilness. This time: Magneto and Mystique
1. Mr Pyro

I was reading a fanfic in the Zoids category and decided to do a little something like that. Hence: this little random game show. (I hope Spectral won't mind that I reconstructed his idea.)  
  
Disclaimer - I don't own a studio, or the nuclear/atomic/plasma weapons, or the Xmen characters (or else they wouldn't put up as much as a fight when I *ahem* ask them to make an appearance).  
  
****  
  
The Lights start up, then dims, then light up again, then dims back into dark colored blackness (because that's the only type of blackness)  
  
VOICE FROM BACKSTAGE: "Forge!!!"  
  
FORGE: "Sorry, bumped the switch."  
  
The lights go on, this time staying on, revealing a studio trailed with cables and complicated looking machinery.  
  
VOICE OVER GUY: "Somewhere, far far away, on a planet-"  
  
RUBBER DUKI: *Pops up in a puff of smoke, then coughs, waving the smoke away* "New Zealand, I'm in Palmerston North New Zealand. Just read the lines Pyro. *Mutters* Aussies." *Pops away in another puff of smoke. Coughing can be heard from behind a curtain*  
  
PYRO: *in a low voice* "Just trying to make it interesting" *Normal voice* "Welcome to Duki's Incredibly Insane and Politically Incorrect X-men Evo Show. And now, your host: Duki!"  
  
Rubber Duki reappears in a cloud of smoke behind a desk with a lot of chrome and flashing buttons while Pyro does some, errr, pyrotechnics creating patterns with his beloved flame thrower (and almost frying Forge who was repairing god-knows-what on a support beam above the studio).  
  
DUKI: *Coughing* "I really need to work on an entrance that doesn't do as much damage to my lungs." *Looks up, expecting applause* "Errr, Pyro? Where's the studio audience?"  
  
PYRO: *shrugs* "I dunno, on my job application it only said that I was the voice over guy, pyrotechnics guy and the show assistant. It didn't mention anything about being the publicist." *Goes back to making flame sculptures while laughing insanely*  
  
DUKI: *Sighs* "Forge?"  
  
FORGE: "Don't look at me, you kidnapped me from my lab and let's just say that contract didn't mention anything about publicizing either."  
  
DUKI: "So I have no audience?"  
  
FORGE: "Duh"  
  
DUKI: "Well. this could still work" *Yells* "Pyro! Bring out our guest!"  
  
PYRO: "Guest? What guest?"  
  
DUKI: "The guest that you were supposed to book.y'know for the show?"  
  
PYRO: "Oh that, I didn't book anyone."  
  
DUKI: "And you didn't do that WHY???"  
  
PYRO: "Well, first I had trouble choosing someone, and when I finally made a decision that person ran away screaming when they saw me arrive. I dunno why, I mean just because I accidentally set fire to their car once doesn't mean. okay, so it wasn't an accident and it was his hair not the car but still."  
  
DUKI: "Ok, ok I get the point. Good thing I had Forge install a trans- dimentional transporter/black hole." *points to a closed closet door* "I'll have to triple your paycheck Forge."  
  
FORGE: *from backstage* "And seeing how you're paying me nothing then that'll be-"  
  
PYRO: "Three Dollars? Hey! How come he gets more than me?"  
  
DUKI: "Because apparently kidnapped staff does the job better than hired yet insane ones." *Receives glare from Pyro* "Now, roll out the guest chooser gizmo Mr. Pyro."  
  
Pyro runs backstage before coming back with a trolley that has a checkered tablecloth covering it. Underneath the cloth there is something bulgy sticking out.  
  
Rubber Duki unveils her guest chooser thingy. It looks like a bingo machine (the type where you turn the handle and all the balls inside spins around). She turns the handle several times and sticks a hand inside to grab a ball.  
  
DUKI: "And our last minute guest is. B4?" *Grabs another ball from inside the machine* "A7? This isn't my guest chooser." *Frowns* "But if this is a bingo machine then who's got my guest selector?"  
  
*A retirement village somewhere else in the world*  
  
A man turns a bingo machine lookalike and selects a ball.  
  
BINGO OPERATOR: "Wolverine"  
  
AN OLD LADY WITH A PINK HAT: "Bingo! Finally, I've been eyeing that cup of coffee with real caffeine in it since last week." *Runs up front to receive her prize of real coffee* "I don't care what those doctors say, I need my caffeine."  
  
*Back to the studio*  
  
DUKI: "Ok then," *Takes a deep breath* "In the face of adversary I will prevail! THE SHOW MUST GO ON"  
  
PYRO: "Oh, so THIS is the cockoo side of your personality. I was afraid I'd never see that version of Rubber Duki."  
  
DUKI: "You."  
  
PYRO: "What about me."  
  
DUKI: "Based on my horrible decision making skills without the help of my character selector. A simple game of deduction leaves YOU to be my first guest." *Grins like a squirrel who's just seen a pile of nuts. Wait a minute, squirrels can't grin can they? I mean their facial anatomy-* "Ok astrix describer, don't go overboard now."  
  
PYRO: *for the first time looking less maniac and a little scared* "Me? What about Forge, he's entertaining, your viewers will love him muuuuch more than me - "  
  
Rubber Duki presses a large blinking red button located on her desk. A pothole opens from below Pyro and he reemerges shackled to a chair directly in front of Duki (minus his flame-thrower).  
  
PYRO: *looking at the shackles on his wrists and ankles* "A little overboard doncha think?"  
  
DUKI: "Sorry, safety precautions, for my sake." *Takes out a bible from under her desk and tosses it to Pyro* "Now before I begin with the questions. St. John Allerdyce, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"  
  
PYRO: "No."  
  
DUKI: "Fine, your choice." *Presses a random button. A large and serious looking cannon revolved from its former position and pointed directly at Pyro.* "I call it the Popsicle Maker Four thousand and twenty two." *Presses another button. Pyro's flame-thrower lands in front of him* "Now, do you want to take the oath or do I have to ice both you and your flame- thrower?"  
  
PYRO: "You're bluffing."  
  
DUKI: *Raises an eyebrow* "Am I?" *Pulls a lever. The cannon charges up and blasts the flame-thrower, encasing it in a thick layer of ice.* "Now, do you agree to the terms?"  
  
Pyro looks at his ex-flame-thrower, then at Duki.  
  
PYRO: *nods* "Fine, I do."  
  
DUKI: "Good! Now for the first question: What's your favorite color?"  
  
PYRO: *Pointing at his costume* "Isn't that obvious? You waste your first question asking about my favorite color?"  
  
DUKI: "I guess it was a little obvious."  
  
PYRO: "It's blue."  
  
DUKI: "Blue? I would've guesses red or something."  
  
PYRO: "Well, red was my favorite color yesterday. Tomorrow it might be yellow, or purple. I change my mind a lot."  
  
DUKI: *low voice* "Ok." *Normal voice* "So what model is your flame thrower?"  
  
PYRO: "Well it USED to be a QuickBurn four-hundred but NOW it seems like I'll be needing a new one."  
  
DUKI: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. So is it true that you once barbecued a deck of Remy's cards so he stuck a plastic horse's head in your bed?"  
  
PYRO: "No."  
  
DUKI: "Oh. have you tried?"  
  
PYRO: "Burning his cards? Nah. My hobby is trying to set non-flammable items on fire."  
  
DUKI: "Ok, I'm done now."  
  
PYRO: "Four questions? You went to all this trouble just to ask me four question?"  
  
DUKI: "Well. maybe the reviewers will ask you more questions. But if you want, you can enter the bonus round challenge: Burn Burn Burn.  
  
PYRO: "Ok. But I don't have a fire."  
  
DUKI: *tosses him a lighter* "Good luck!" *presses a button and Pyro vanishes*  
  
Forge sticks his head out from behind a screen door.  
  
FORGE: "Does he realize that he's gonna try and battle 400 robot sentinels?"  
  
Pyro's voice came through from behind another partition.  
  
PYRO: "BRING IT ON ROBOTS. Muahahahaha."  
  
DUKI: "Yeah, but I don't think he minds."  
  
VOICE OVER GUY (which is a pre-recording of Pyro's voice): "And that's all for now. Tune in next time for another fun-filled episode of Duki's Incredibly Insane and Politically Incorrect X-men Evo Show!"  
  
******  
  
OK, so what do you think? Review is you want to ask questions for our guests (and Pyro). Review if you want to suggest a way to blackmail a guest. Just review.  
  
Next Time:  
  
Toad and Scooter boy  
  
-Rubber Duki 


	2. Toad and Scooter Boy

OK, here's another episode. I really didn't expect anyone to actually like this. . . it was more of an one off, bored Sunday afternoon things.  
  
Disclaimer: Of this show, I do not own the following: X-men characters, the audience, studio, assorted weapons and spotlight lasers.  
  
Oh, and don't take any of the stuff that the characters says seriously. Because this is the Evo fandom (and some of the characters' pasts haven't really been explained), I wanted to have a little fun creating my own versions stuff. So there's no doubts that some of the things I write will contradict the comic version (  
  
You have been warned.  
  
****  
  
The lights start up. A huge disco ball is lowered from the ceiling and loud 70s music starts to play.  
  
VOICE FROM BACKSTAGE: "Forge I'm gonna kill you!!!"  
  
FORGE: "Yeah, yeah like I haven't heard that one before." *Turns off music and light show*  
  
PYRO (Voice Over): "Welcome to Duki's Incredibly Insane and Politically Incorrect X-men Evo Show. And now, your host: Duki!"  
  
Rubber Duki appears amidst a blinding light show, shorting out everyone's vision within the studio. Pyro (who was looking dazed from the lasers) accidentally shot off several bouts of flames which caused several bulking looking objects to fall from the ceiling landing in balls of fire.  
  
DUKI: *Rubbing her eyes* "OK, lasers. . . bad idea." *Reaches out and flicks several switches*  
  
The air conditioner turns itself on and cheesy music starts to play.  
  
DUKI: "Errr. . . Forge? A little help? I can't see the controls."  
  
The sprinklers turns on (and the music turned off) and the fires get under control.  
  
DUKI: "Thank you!" *Turns to looks at the audience, which consists of thirty-two people all tied up with rope and gagged*  
  
DUKI: *Raising an eyebrow while looking at Pyro* " Oh well, better than last time."  
  
Pyro whistles innocently, holding onto a brand new flame-thrower.  
  
DUKI: *Puzzled* "How did you get another one so quick?" *Changes from puzzled to frowning* "Ok Pyro, which military did you steal it from. Oh! My guess is on Russia. . . am I right?"  
  
Pyro holds up his flame-thrower, which consisted of a single barrel that had an opening larger than his head.  
  
PYRO: *Tries his best to look insulted* "I didn't steal it! I removed it from one of the sentinels. Can you believe it? There were four hundred of 'em and the only weapons they had were flame-throwers."  
  
Rubber Duki looks at the salvaged weapon, then at Forge (who was on an observation platform). Forge shrugs, as if to say 'hey I didn't know that the first guest to go through the Burn, Burn, Burn challenge was gonna be a controller of fire.'  
  
DUKI: *Turns back to look at the involuntary audience and flashes a Colgate smile* "Now that all of my vision's back, lets get on with the show!"  
  
A pack of queue cards held together with a rubber band fall from nowhere.  
  
DUKI: *Grabs the cards* "Ah, and here are the questions. But before the first guest arrive, the reviewers have some stuff to ask you Pyro. . ."  
  
FORGE: "Are there any questions for me?"  
  
DUKI: *Avoids Forge's gaze* " Err. . . no, maybe next time Forge. . ."  
  
FORGE: *Looks disappointed* "Oh, Ok." (Hint hint, ask him a question before he starts to mope.)  
  
PYRO: *Looks impatient* "So, what are they? I have to go snatch- I mean 'escort' our next guest to our show in two minutes." *Takes a stopwatch out from a pocket* "You have a minute forty-eight seconds starting from. . . now!"  
  
DUKI: "The first question's from Spencerblaze: She asks what your fave book is."  
  
PYRO: *Thinks for 3.47 seconds* "Jane Eyre, *Grins* it burnt for three whole minutes."  
  
DUKI: *Sighs* "I think she meant what your favorite book is that you've 'read' not destroyed. "  
  
PYRO: *Scratches head* "Hmmm. . . I'll have to get back to ya on that one. . ."  
  
DUKI: *Selecting another card* "Now here's some from Shiver: 1.How did you 1st find out about your powers? 2.How much are u paid a month? 3. Boxers or briefs? 4. Chocolate or vanilla?"  
  
PYRO: *Takes a deep breath* "OK, I first found out about my powers at my twelfth birthday party; I started to blow out the candles and gave everyone there second-degree burns and I'm still negotiating my salary with Duki. I usually wear boxers but when I'm in this thing *Points at his spandex uniform* boxers gets a little too bunchy. And I never had to choose before, I just mixed chocolate and vanilla together and eat it that way. Is that all?"  
  
*Rubber Duki nods*  
  
PYRO: "Alrighty then, I'm off to get Todd."  
  
DUKI: "Don't forget your instructions! And don't cause too much mass destruction! Well, not without me anyways."  
  
Pyro exits via the trans- dimentional transporter/black hole, a.k.a. a closet door.  
  
DUKI: "While we wait till he comes back, I'll reply to some comments:"  
  
*shuffles her cards*  
  
DUKI: "First of all, thanks for making comments folks. To reply to todd fan's review: As you can see, Todd will appear shortly. But as for Kurt, I'll get to him when I figure out how to restrain him (Forge is working on an anti-teleporting Dohicky), and Wanda? She's even more tricky. . . it might take a while to plan her invitation-"  
  
FORGE: *Looks down from his platform lab* "Hex fields are unbelievably hard to disrupt."  
  
DUKI: "You heard the man. And thank you WormmonABC and The Living Dead for your suggestions. A Mr Logan shall indeed be missing a certain soft toy."  
  
*BOOM!*  
  
DUKI: "Ooooo, that must be Pyro and Todd."  
  
The closet door swings open and a slime covered Pyro steps out dragging Todd Tolanski behind him. Pyro's footsteps made squishy sounds as they trailed more slime.  
  
PYRO: *Dropping Todd in the guest chair, shackles immediately appear; securing him in place* "I'm gonna go change." *Steps off stage*  
  
TODD: "Hey! What's going on yo?"  
  
DUKI: *Clears throat* "Y'see: You've just been invited to a talk-show kinda show, where I (and the reviewers) ask questions about you and your life. I will go to great lengths to make this entertaining so hopefully by the end of this someone will either break down or lose it as they both are a popular sort of amusement to the general public. . . Does that sound good?"  
  
TODD: "Um. . . NO? Ya can't hold me against my will!" *Strains against the shackles*  
  
DUKI: *Rolls eyes* "Whatever frog boy. First question: who came up with the code name 'Toad'? And why not, say, Frog or something?"  
  
TODD: *Ignores Duki and continues to struggle*  
  
DUKI: "Y'know you're probably not going to break through that anytime soon so why not just answer the question?"  
  
TODD: *Continues to ignore Duki*  
  
DUKI: "Hello?"  
  
TODD: *clenches his teeth as he pulls on the shackles. A groaning sound came from the metal bands.*  
  
DUKI: *Mutters* "That doesn't sound good. . ." *Speaks up* "OK! OK! Stop that!"  
  
Todd starts to pay attention.  
  
DUKI: "How's this: you answer the following questions honestly and without prodding and you can. . . spend a day with Wanda!"  
  
TODD: "Really?"  
  
DUKI: "Yeah, sure. And I promise she won't say anything about killing you or give you a hex bolt for the entire time."  
  
FORGE: *To Pyro who'd just hopped onto the platform, in a spare uniform.* "I wonder how she's gonna pull off that stunt."  
  
PYRO: "Ten bucks says that something'll blow up."  
  
FORGE: *Shakes head* "No way, you're not getting money out of me that easy."  
  
TODD: *Eye's lighting up like the audience member that Pyro'd just set on fire* "Ok, I'll do it. Fire away. Gimme the first question."  
  
DUKI: *Vampire Smile* "So why the name Toad? I mean besides the obvious reason."  
  
TODD: "I've always grown up with everyone callin' me Toad. I guess it just kinda stuck. 'sides, what else are they gonna call me, Frog-man?"  
  
DUKI: "Fine. Next question: Have you ever hurt yourself with your hood? It looks kind of stiff."  
  
TODD: *Rubs neck* "It IS stiff, it's metal and conducts hex bolts WAY too well."  
  
DUKI: "So how many people have you slimed in the past week?"  
  
TODD: "It's hard ta tell. Being a slow week and all, I'da have ta say about three?"  
  
DUKI: "Really?" *pulls a draw string, a large bucket of slime is tipped onto Todd* "You're the fourth person I've slimed today."  
  
TODD: *Wipes the green goo from his face with his tongue* "Oh yeah?" *projects a large glob of slime onto Duki's face* "Now that makes four."  
  
DUKI: *Presses a button and a cream pie smashes into Todd's face* "FIVE!"  
  
TODD: "Hey! Pies don't count." *Gives Duki more homemade goo* "That, on the other hand, makes five for me."  
  
PYRO: *Yelling from the platform* "Are you two done? Because I'm going to get Scott now! *low voice* and get away from Wanda before she arrives." *Slides down a fireman pole and enters the portal*  
  
DUKI: *Holds up hands* "You can stop now." *Gets lobbed with another slime ball*  
  
TODD: "Six"  
  
DUKI: "Do you want to meet Wanda or not?"  
  
TODD: "I'll be good."  
  
Rubber Duki presses a button that says 'cut off oxygen' and Todd's shackles are retracted (nothing actually happened to the air incase you're wondering).  
  
DUKI: "Come'on in Wanda!"  
  
Todd stands up with a look of ecstasy glued onto his face, ready to meet his Scarlet Witch.  
  
A large woman (who looked more like a man) stepped onto the stage, waving to Todd.  
  
DUKI: "There's Wanda Stevens Todd. You two enjoy your day together!"  
  
TODD: *Looking puzzled* "B-but I thought you said I get a day with Wanda."  
  
DUKI: "You ARE spending a day with Wanda. I never said WHICH Wanda you got, I just said she wouldn't try to kill you with Hex Bolts."  
  
TODD: "But-"  
  
DUKI: *Pushes yet another of her infinite buttons* "Have fun you two!" *Todd and 'Wanda' are sucked through the trans- dimentional transporter*  
  
FORGE: "And nothing actually blew up. . ."  
  
Rubber Duki leans back and smoothes her hair. Before realizing that the slime had made her hair hard as rock.  
  
DUKI: "Argh"  
  
*CRASH*  
  
Pyro is knocked through the door by a very familiar optic blast. Scott enters a moment after, to be greeted by a wall of flames controlled by Pyro. The wall of flames pushes Scott back until he is almost at the feet of the guest armchair. Automated hands grabs then slams Scott into the said chair and the infamous shackles secures him in place.  
  
DUKI: "Hi Cyclops."  
  
SCOTT: *Glares, even though nobody can tell from behind his shades* "So who do you work for? Magneto? The Brotherhood?"  
  
DUKI: "Eh. . . I'm self employed."  
  
SCOTT: "Why did you kidnap me?"  
  
DUKI: *Rolls eyes* "Do I have to say it again?"  
  
*The audience, Forge and Pyro nods*  
  
DUKI: "You've been invited to a talk-show kinda show, where I (and the reviewers) ask questions about you and your life. At the end of this you can go home, so no harm done. Does that sound good?"  
  
SCOTT: "Fine. But I'm only doing this so I won't have give Kitty another driving lesson" *Shudders*  
  
DUKI: *Claps hands* "Great! Seeing how no reviewers asked you any questions. I'll have to reach deep into my creativity. . ."  
  
*Five minutes later*  
  
DUKI: "Yeah, I think I got one now: So Scott, do you wear your glasses when you sleep?"  
  
SCOTT: "No, I usually take it off when I sleep, but there was once when I accidentally burnt a hole in the ceiling."  
  
DUKI: "Very well, what about your uniform? What's with that gigantic X? Can it be more obvious?"  
  
SCOTT: *Frowns* "Well, I AM the leader. Besides, it CAN be more obvious, just stick a couple of neon lights on and it'll be complete."  
  
DUKI: *Big Smile* "Next question: What do you think about all those people who says that you've got a biiiig stick up your -"  
  
SCOTT: "THAT'S IT!" *Tries to shake his sunglasses off. It stays* "Just because I'm the ONLY one in the entire show that takes responsibility and try to be nice and do the right thing they go and brand me boring. What's wrong with sticking to the rules? Oh, and to all those people? This is what I think of YOU:" *Shouts several unprintable words*  
  
DUKI: *Drums fingers on her desk* "Are you done?"  
  
Scott takes several deep breaths.  
  
DUKI: "Good! Now let's see how you do in our bonus round challenge!"  
  
The chair that Scott's sitting on revolves around to face a cannon.  
  
DUKI: "I was just curious about how many cream pies you can take before your shades fall off and you blast the cannon."  
  
SCOTT: *Raises both eyebrows* "Do I win anything?"  
  
DUKI: "If you go through with this then I'll give you permission to use the portal whenever you don't feel like driving with Miss Kitty."  
  
SCOTT: "Y'know I've always liked pie. . ."  
  
DUKI: "Fire it up Forge!"  
  
Rubber Duki turns to face the audience  
  
DUKI: "We'll tell you what happens next time when we meet up with wolvie and Kitty."  
  
VOICE OVER GUY (which is a pre-recording of Pyro's voice): "And that's all for now. Tune in next time for another fun-filled episode of Duki's Incredibly Insane and Politically Incorrect X-men Evo Show!"  
  
*****  
  
Got Questions for me, Forge, Pyro, or the guests? Review! Even if you don't have a question review!  
  
I'm also welcome to suggestions: blackmail, Bonus round challenge etc. . .  
  
NEXT TIME:  
  
Mr Logan Kitty  
  
-Rubber Duki 


	3. Wolvie and Kitty

=Duki's Incredibly Insane and Politically Incorrect X-men Evo Show=  
  
You have been warned.  
  
Disclaimer: You know the drill, for a full disclaimer, check back in past chapters.  
  
AN: I had a cold throughout most of the writing of this chapter. I'm pretty sure there are stuff in there that doesn't make sense.  
  
****  
  
The lights light up, revealing that the entire studio is covered with cream and pastry.  
  
VOICE FROM BACKSTAGE: "Give it another minute Forge!"  
  
FORGE: "SIXTY SECONDS!" *Lights go out*  
  
*A minute later*  
  
The lights turn on, this time the studio is free from cream.  
  
PYRO (Voice Over): "Welcome to another of Duki's Incredibly Insane and Politically Incorrect X-men Evo Show. And now, your host: Duki!"  
  
Duki beams in from a intricate looking dish from the ceiling (can you say 'Star Trek'? ). Duki smiles at the audience (Three people who ACTUALLY came all by themselves) and goes to sit down behind her desk.  
  
Pyro does his thing, writing *insert show title here* in flames above him.  
  
DUKI: "Finally! An entrance that works!" *A sound of metal groaning comes from the ceiling* "What the. . ."  
  
The large particle dish tips over on an odd angle.  
  
PYRO: "That doesn't look good. . ."  
  
A support beam snaps and the dish falls, trailing cables and such behind it. Rubber Duki manages to jump aside before it crushes her desk and chair. Sparks fly and the lights dim.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties.  
  
Please be patient and view the following clip.  
  
Right now Forge should struggling to single handedly fix the damage while Pyro tries to hold Duki back from attacking our technician (Forge).  
  
*Scene changes to the last episode - the Cream Pie Challenge*  
  
DUKI: "Fire it up Forge!"  
  
The cannon cranks up its gears and starts to propel various flavors of pie.  
  
DUKI: ". . . Twenty- Five. . . Twenty- Six. . .Twenty- Seven. . . ooooooph. Looks like it took twenty- seven pies to dislodge your sunglasses Scott Summers. . . You can open your eyes and blast the cannon now."  
  
Scott's optic beam hit the tank of pies, sending cream and pastry every where.  
  
DUKI: "That could take a while to clean up. . ."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
PYRO: *Restraining Duki* "Annnnd we're back!" *Duki tries to bite Pyro's hand* "Knock it off! He fixed the lights didn't he?"  
  
Rubber Duki calms down at last, and Pyro releases her.  
  
DUKI: *Looks sadly at her totaled desk* "It's a good thing that I have a back-up remote." *Lifts up a floorboard and grabs the remote * "It's only got basic functions though, so we'll have to go on without the more complicated security systems."  
  
FORGE: "You DO realize that Wolverine's coming today don't you?"  
  
PYRO: *Puffs out chest* "I can take him!"  
  
DUKI: *Holds up a tranquilizer dart gun* "So you won't be needing this when you go retrieve him?"  
  
PYRO: *Analyzes his situation for a sec* "Maybe I'll take it just in case, not that I'll NEED it or anything. . ."  
  
DUKI: *Ignores Pyro* "Has anyone seen the questions? I typed it onto some queue cards and now I can't find them -"  
  
FORGE: "Here they are!" *Holds up some very charred cards*  
  
PYRO: *Grabs them* "Look Forge, you got some questions." *Flips through the cards* "And Duki's received some comments."  
  
Duki makes a grab for the cards but Pyro fends her off.  
  
PYRO: "I want to try this for once, seeing how I didn't get any questions this time." *Starts announcing in a really loud voice* "Todd fan asks Forge the following questions: 1.How did you loose you arm?"  
  
FORGE: "Would you believe that it just fell off one day?"  
  
DUKI: "No."  
  
FORGE: "Well, it's really complicated. The truth is that I don't know."  
  
Duki and Pyro blinks.  
  
PYRO: "How could you not know how you lost an arm?"  
  
FORGE: *Displays his bionic arm* "The writers of Xmen Evo never told me. In the comic universe I lost it in Vietnam but in Evo I was stuck in middleverse so that excuse won't work."  
  
DUKI: "Okaaay. . . I guess that was something that I couldn't just make up."  
  
PYRO: "Next question: 2. What did you do for 20 years in Middleverse?"  
  
FORGE: "Trying to get out of middleverse."  
  
PYRO: "I'll accept that. 3. Are you aware you pay more than a passing resmbelance to both Chachi from Happy Days and Fez from That 70's show?"  
  
FORGE: "No, I wasn't aware of that."  
  
DUKI: *Trying to recall 'That 70's Show'* "Hey! You DO look a lot like Fez."  
  
PYRO: *sniffs*  
  
DUKI: "What's wrong Johnny?"  
  
PYRO: "Spencerblaze won't let me have her flame-thrower."  
  
DUKI: "Oh. . ."  
  
PYRO: "She does ask Forge: why dont you just use the teleporter thingy to get away if you dont like it there?? or do you??."  
  
DUKI: "Yeah Forge, don't you like it here?" *Evil*  
  
FORGE: "I've looked at it this way: If I escape, Duki'll just yank me back here, only this time as a proper guest. So I reckon my chances of avoiding humiliation is much better if I stay."  
  
PYRO: "Right. . . Now it's your turn Duki. Tali says: ROGUE ROGUE ROGUE ROGUE ROGUE - and so on for about 109 times. Same for COLOSSUS. . ."  
  
DUKI: *Smiles* "Sure, Rogue'll be here in Chapter 5. I've made plans for all the characters already. Colossus will be further down the line. Check back chapter 9 for his appearance."  
  
PYRO: "That's it."  
  
DUKI: "Good. *Takes her burnt cards back* Now you can go get Logan."  
  
He leaves through the portal thingy (Yeah, I forgot what it's called by now).  
  
Rubber Duki realizes that they have nothing to do while they wait for Pyro.  
  
DUKI: "So. Forge. . . how was your day?"  
  
FORGE: *Shrugs* "Fine. Though I was curious; I know that Pyro could get Wolverine here, but what's to stop him from clawing his way outta the studio?"  
  
DUKI: "Besides a giant Electro-magnet, *Holds up a soft toy* this."  
  
FORGE: *Puzzled* "A teddy bear?"  
  
DUKI: "Not just any teddy, LOGAN's teddy."  
  
FORGE: "Oh. By the way, if Logan kills you, can I keep the lab?"  
  
DUKI: "Don't count on it, I'm not gonna die -"  
  
Rubber Duki is interrupted when Pyro walks through the door with an unconscious Wolvie.  
  
PYRO: "Ok, so I DID need that tranquilizer dart. . . On the plus side, we now know that it works without a hitch."  
  
DUKI: *Sighs* "How long do you think it's going to take for him to wake up?"  
  
FORGE: "It depends on how many darts he received."  
  
They look at the snoring Wolverine who was lying on the floor. He looked like a mutant pincushion.  
  
DUKI and FORGE: *Glares at Pyro*  
  
PYRO: "Maybe I went a bit overboard. . ."  
  
FORGE: *Pokes Logan with his prosthetic arm* "Considering his healing factor, he might just wake up when applied with a big enough stimuli . . ."  
  
DUKI: *Rolls eyes* "Fine."  
  
She goes backstage, returning with a bucket of water.  
  
FORGE: "What're you doing?"  
  
DUKI: "That dish busted most of my controls, so I had to do it manually."  
  
FORGE: "I meant what are you planning on doing with the water?"  
  
DUKI: *As if it was obvious* "You told me we needed a stimuli. I think this qualifies." *Tips the whole bucket over Wolverine*  
  
LOGAN: *Sleepily* "What the-"  
  
At the sound of his voice Forge and Pyro make a dash for the viewing platform, a good deal of distance AWAY from the stage.  
  
DUKI: *mutters* "Deserters." *Clear voice* "Activate safety protocol four-nineteen. Voice authorization: Duki J.Z is the boss."  
  
A mechanical voice is emitted from the speakers 'Authorization confirmed, activating protocol four-nineteen.'  
  
The guest chair (which escaped the large falling dish) started buzzing. A second later Logan was completely stuck to it.  
  
DUKI: *gesturing towards the chair* "Electro-magnet."  
  
LOGAN: *Glares* "Listen up bub, whatever it is you're doing here you'd better stop right now! Before I-"  
  
DUKI: "What? Breathe at me?"  
  
This is when Wolverine realized that he couldn't do so much as move a finger.  
  
DUKI: "Relax Mr. Logan. I'll release you as soon as you answer a few questions."  
  
LOGAN: "And if I refuse?"  
  
DUKI: *Looks thoughtful* "I suppose I could turn up the magnet so that your own ribs would crush your eternal organs." *Laughs* "Oh wait. I forgot you had a healing factor. You should be alright then, of course you'd still experience excruciating pain. . ."  
  
LOGAN: "I'm only replying to the questions that I feel like answering."  
  
DUKI: "Good boy." *Sorts out her cards, some of which had mysteriously crumbled into ash*  
  
DUKI: "The first eleven questions are from Juuhachigou and her (Assuming you're a girl) friends. Number one: Is it true you're gay?"  
  
LOGAN: "No. And if you or your friends ask that again I swear I will kill you."  
  
DUKI: *Snickers*  
  
LOGAN: *Looks at Duki* "I'll get you too."  
  
DUKI: *Dead pan look* "Sure you would. Next question: Boxers or briefs?"  
  
LOGAN: "Which ever one that's clean."  
  
DUKI: "Reasonable. Number three: Have you ever been overcharged at McDonalds?"  
  
LOGAN: "I don't go for McDonalds so no."  
  
DUKI: "Number Four: Would you dye your hair neon green?"  
  
LOGAN: "Not willingly." *Sees look in Duki's eyes* "Don't even think about it kid."  
  
DUKI: "But you'd look great in green!"  
  
LOGAN: *Glare*  
  
DUKI: "Ok, ok. Question five: Would you consider a mohawk?"  
  
LOGAN: "I dunno, I've thought about it once but . . . no."  
  
DUKI: *Tries to imagine Wolverine with a neon green mohawk.* "Next one: Are those claws made of foil or paper mache?"  
  
LOGAN: *Skint* "These are adamantium."  
  
DUKI: "But the choice was between tin foil and paper mache."  
  
LOGAN: "Fine, if I had a choice then it would be paper mache."  
  
DUKI: "Odd choice. . . Number Seven: Do you ever get papercuts?"  
  
LOGAN: "Everyone gets papercuts. I just heal too fast for me to notice them."  
  
DUKI: "Question eight: Would Kurt make a good meal?"  
  
LOGAN: *Looks thoughtful* "Probably not, with all the gut-bombs he eats he'll just clog up my arteries with cholesterol."  
  
DUKI: *Blinks*  
  
LOGAN: "What? I'm just telling it like it is."  
  
DUKI: "Okaaaay. Question number nine: Considering your beard. . . Skintimate, or not?"  
  
LOGAN: "What's a Skintimate?"  
  
DUKI: "I dunno, but I looked it up. It's a brand of shaving products for teens."  
  
LOGAN: "Then the answer is 'or not'."  
  
DUKI: *Raises an eyebrow* "Hmmm. This next one's kinda weird."  
  
Rubber Duki sticks a PG-13 sign on her queue card.  
  
DUKI: "Number ten: Does Remy or Sabertooth do "it" really hard?"  
  
LOGAN: *Skint* "That's a question I do not wish to answer."  
  
DUKI: "Fine then, I'll take that as a yes."  
  
LOGAN: "No. Take that as a 'Hell should I know?' "  
  
DUKI: "Ok Mr Logan. Last question from Juuhachigou: Lemon or lime?"  
  
LOGAN: "Lime."  
  
DUKI: "Really? I've always thought of you as a lemon guy."  
  
LOGAN: *Sighs* "Is there a point to those questions?"  
  
DUKI: "No. I've got on more question though."  
  
LOGAN: "Go ahead kid."  
  
DUKI: *Holds up Logan's teddy* "What's his name?"  
  
LOGAN: "That's not my bear."  
  
DUKI: "Oh." *Looks at the bear* "Then where did I. . ." *Tosses it away* "Oh well."  
  
LOGAN: "Can I go now?"  
  
DUKI: "Sure. Buh bye!" *Presses a button on her remote and the chair tips Wolverine into the portal*  
  
Rubber Duki looks up at Forge (Who's still on the platform).  
  
DUKI: "I'm guessing that Pyro already went to get Kitty?"  
  
FORGE: *nodding* "But how are you going to stop her from phasing through everything when she gets here?"  
  
DUKI: *shrugs* "I was hoping that she'd want to stay here under her own free will."  
  
Kitty phases through the portal door with Pyro right behind her. Only he forgot that he doesn't have the same mutant abilities and banged into the door.  
  
KITTY: "Wow! This is like soooo cool. You want to interview me? Thank you Duki!"  
  
Kitty gives Duki a hug. Duki looks stunned while Pyro steps out of the portal rubbing his head.  
  
KITTY: "You know Pyro, you should really look into getting another brand of flame-thrower. A type that burns on more economical viable fuels like biodiesel."  
  
Kitty hops onto the guest chair.  
  
KITTY: "Ok, you can start asking questions now!"  
  
DUKI: *To Pyro* "What did you do? Try to drown her in a vat of coffee?!" *Points to Kitty* "She's Hyper!"  
  
PYRO: "I didn't do anything! The X-men said she consumed a LOT of chocolate in the past hour." *Pauses* "Maybe that was why they were so eager to let her go. . ."  
  
Kitty is currently flicking the light switch on and off.  
  
DUKI: "Seeing how she's here. . . Ok Kitty, settle down and answer the questions."  
  
KITTY: *Hops back to her chair* "Ok."  
  
DUKI: "I've just realized something, you're my first guest who came willingly." *Smiles* "The first fifteen questions are from Juuhachigou. Number one: Have you ever gotten stuck in a wall?"  
  
KITTY: *Giggles as she phased in and out of the shackles* "Nope, never."  
  
DUKI: *Looks worried at Kitty's jittery state* "How many computers do you crash a day?"  
  
KITTY: *Laughs* "I can only like, crash computers if I try hard enough or if I phase through it, and if I crash a computer I have to pay for repairs."  
  
DUKI: "And you answer would be?"  
  
KITTY: "0.09 mean average."  
  
DUKI: *Flips through cards* "3. Do you have a secret relationship with Jean?"  
  
Kitty giggles as she ducks into the floor and reemerges beside Duki.  
  
KITTY: "Nope, and I saw your next question. The answer to that is I don't know."  
  
DUKI: "Ahem. You can get back to you seat now."  
  
Kitty complies.  
  
DUKI: "Number Five: Why are you so weak?"  
  
KITTY: *Face changes from cheerful to pouty* "I'm like soooo not weak." *Stands up* "Can anyone do this?"  
  
She phases through several machines/cannons/computers. They all short out, leaving Duki looking grim.  
  
DUKI: "I have a very odd feeling, and it's giving me goose-bumps."  
  
PYRO: "Fear?"  
  
DUKI: "No. . . Homicidal."  
  
KITTY: *Sitting down on a wrecked speaker* "See? I'm not weak." *Does several cartwheels*  
  
DUKI: *Takes in a deep breath* "Number Six: Would you consider a mohawk?"  
  
KITTY: "No, they're like soooo hideous."  
  
DUKI: "Would you dye your hair neon green?"  
  
KITTY: "Ditto to what I said before."  
  
DUKI: "Number eight: Have you ever been overcharged at McDonalds?"  
  
KITTY: "Yes. That's why I never went back."  
  
DUKI: "But wouldn't you miss the big macs?"  
  
KITTY: "I'm a vegetarian."  
  
DUKI: "Sure you are. Next one: Are you cool because you drink Coke?"  
  
KITTY: "I drink coke! I drank 4 cans this morning!"  
  
DUKI: "I'm not gonna bother commenting. Ten: Are you on crack?"  
  
KITTY: "No. CAFFEINE. C-A-F-F-"  
  
DUKI: *sweatdrop* "We get the point. Eleven: Does it work like it would in a cartoon?"  
  
KITTY: "Sure! Like, ever wander how Jean can bear to be so nice?"  
  
DUKI: "Uh huh. Number twelve: Would you consider a buzzcut?"  
  
KITTY: "No."  
  
DUKI: "Thirteen: Why "Shadowcat"? Why a cat at all? Kurt looks more like a cat than you do."  
  
KITTY: "Why? Are you suggesting that we name Kurt Shadowcat? Actually I wanted it changed to Shadowcat after a soft drink company stole my original name."  
  
DUKI: *Puzzled* "What IS your original codename?"  
  
KITTY: "Sprite."  
  
DUKI: "Right. . . number fourteen: Did your cellphone ever go 'green green green' and you pinked it up and said "yellow"?"  
  
KITTY: "Yes."  
  
DUKI: *Blinks* "Last one from Juuhachigou: Final Fantasy 7 or 8?"  
  
KITTY: "Eight, without a doubt."  
  
Rubber Duki ignores this (she owns an Xbox and has no idea what the FF series are about).  
  
DUKI: "Now before I ask the next question. Here's a bit of a spoiler for all those who didn't watch the final two episodes of season three. In Dark Horizon part 2, Kitty seems to have taken an interest in Colossus."  
  
Duki turns to Kitty who was giggling as she repeated phase through what's left of Rubber Duki's desk.  
  
DUKI: "Forge? Is there an anti-caffeine shot we can give her or something?"  
  
FORGE: *Shakes head*  
  
DUKI: *Trying to get Kitty's attention* "This is the last question from Marzi: Are you really gonna like Piotr (Colossus)?"  
  
KITTY: *Finally serious* "He isss kind cute. I dunno. . ."  
  
DUKI: "What about Lance? Or Kurt?"  
  
KITTY: "Well Lance is gonna have to get his act together if he ever wants to see me again. And Kurt and Amanda are like, totally into each other."  
  
DUKI: "Ok, that's the last of it. I'm pooped." *Pulls a string that rang down from the ceiling.* "You can go bother your own kind now."  
  
Kitty is shoved through the trans-dimentional portal by a giant hand.  
  
PYRO: "I thought you were gonna make her participate in a bonus round challenge."  
  
DUKI: *Points to all the carnage* "What bonus round challenge? We barely have electricity to keep the lights on."  
  
*Black out*  
  
VOICE OVER GUY (which is a pre-recording of Pyro's voice): "And that's all for now. Tune in next time for another fun-filled episode of Duki's Incredibly Insane and Politically Incorrect X-men Evo Show!"  
  
******  
  
Ok, Me need sleep now. I can hardly keep my head up.  
  
Review is you want to ask questions for our guests (and Pyro, or Forge). Review if you want to suggest a way to blackmail a guest. Just review.  
  
Next Time:  
  
Pietro and Remy  
  
-Rubber Duki 


	4. Pietro and Remy

= Duki's Incredibly Insane and Politically Incorrect X-men Evo Show =  
  
Only 98% of this is genuine. 2% unavoidable made up stuff.  
  
You have been warned.  
  
Disclaimer: Me own nothing. You should know that by now.  
  
****  
  
The lights DON'T go on. They stay where they are, off.  
  
VOICE FROM BACKSTAGE: "Forge? We're starting!"  
  
*A couple of minutes later*  
  
VOICE FROM BACKSTAGE: "Forge? Why isn't the lights on?"  
  
*A minute more*  
  
Duki steps onto the stage and flicks the lights on herself. She then proceeds to make plans on how to hurt Forge.  
  
DUKI: *Spots Forge and Pyro on the observation platform looking outside through a window* "What are you two doing? The show's starting!"  
  
Forge gestures for Rubber Duki to climb up and see for herself.  
  
DUKI: "What the. . ."  
  
Outside the studio gathered hundreds'n thousands of fangirls (and a few fanboys too). Each holding up signs like 'We love you Remy!' or 'Marry me Pietro!'. There were also a few noticeable 'Romy' and 'Rietro' fans hanging around.  
  
DUKI: "Wow! There's even a few Pyro fangirls."  
  
And there they were. Holding up signs that said 'St John Allerdyce' in various stages of misspelling.  
  
PYRO: *Pointing at the signs with the spelling mistakes* "Those must be the new-age fangirls. They're appearing more often after X2 came out." *Opens the window and starts yelling* "The X2 Pyro is in the studio next door!" *Points to the studio next to them, it had X2 PYRO in big neon signs.*  
  
The fangirls immediately rushed towards their new destination.  
  
PYRO: *To Duki* "Watch this." *Evil*  
  
Pyro opens the throttle on his flame-thrower (Which now burns on biodiesel thanks to Kitty's advice) and wrote 'RIETRO' in huge block letters of fire above the crowd.  
  
Seeing this, the Romy fans started arguing with the Rietro ones and soon there was a mini war going on.  
  
DUKI: *Sighs* "I'm so glad that the studio walls are built of solid titanium."  
  
FORGE: *Puzzled* "I never knew you were a Rietro fan John."  
  
PYRO: "I'm not a fan. I just think it makes better sense than Romy."  
  
FORGE: "No it doesn't! Pietro's never looked at Rouge once and Remy is definitely more interested in her."  
  
PYRO: "Romy'll be a terrible pairing!"  
  
FORGE: "Less disgusting than Rietro."  
  
Rubber Duki shakes her head and climbs down to her desk while the other two go at each other over shipping disagreements.  
  
DUKI: *Realizing that Pyro won't be doing his voice over* "I guess I'll have to improvise. . ." *Turns to face the audience ~ the bleachers are completely filled with fangirls carrying signs.*  
  
DUKI: *surprised* "Holy. . . big turnout." *Smiles* "Welcome to my show everybody."  
  
The audience applauds ~ Duki almost dies of happiness.  
  
DUKI: *Sighs* "I've been waiting for that for a long time."  
  
*Meanwhile*  
  
PYRO: "REITRO!"  
  
FORGE: "No, ROMY!"  
  
PYRO: *Pauses* "DIE!"  
  
The two starts wrestling while Duki just shakes her head.  
  
DUKI: "That's just wrong on so many different levels." *She pulls a lever that was beside her desk, a tub of water it tipped onto the two.*  
  
Pyro and Forge stops what they're doing.  
  
DUKI: "Done?"  
  
PYRO & FORGE: *nods*  
  
DUKI: *Turns back to face the audience* "Seeing how the gathering of so many enthused fangirls could become a threat, I've devised a demonstration. Pyro?"  
  
Pyro gives a thumbs up from up in the platform.  
  
DUKI: "Observe."  
  
She tosses a tomato to the edge of the stage. It lands with a splat.  
  
PYRO: "You just wasted some perfectly good food . . . what was the point?"  
  
DUKI: *Wide eyed* "You were supposed to toast that tomato you mor- *Notices Pyro's Flame-thrower cocked and ready* mor-aniac?"  
  
PYRO: "Why?"  
  
DUKI: "To show the viewers what would happen if they try to cross onto the stage."  
  
PYRO: "But why would a tomato want to go onstage?"  
  
Rubber Duki rubs her temples, wondering why couldn't she have hired zombies like everyone else.  
  
Forge taps Pyro on the shoulder and explains the concepts of the demonstration.  
  
DUKI: "Do you get the idea now?"  
  
PYRO: *Nods*  
  
DUKI: "Good, now lets give it another try."  
  
Rubber Duki searches for another tomato, couldn't find any, so she threw an egg instead.  
  
Pyro took aim and let loose a cloud of flames. The fire engulfed the egg, successfully hard-boiling it and an unfortunate audience member. The cooked egg landed on a fangirl's sign. The cooked audience member coughed ashes.  
  
DUKI: *Impressed* "Nice shot Pyro."  
  
PYRO: *Takes a bow*  
  
DUKI: "Remember when Kitty ruined nearly every piece of equipment in here that ran on electricity?"  
  
Random people nods.  
  
DUKI: "I took that as a chance to renovate." *Presses a button her armrest. A huge screen is lowered from a slot in the ceiling.*  
  
FORGE: "Plasma screen. 41 inch. Installed it myself."  
  
DUKI: "And here are the comments from our reviewers." *The screen flickers on, displaying questions, comments etc. . .*  
  
DUKI: "Katterree Fengari asks how would this show be politically correct. . .?"  
  
FORGE: "Well for one - "  
  
PYRO: "We could lose that sign."  
  
He points at a memo board. Scribbled across it says: 1) Don't use your 70s lingo Forge. 2) Pyro, please don't over exaggerate your Australian accent. I know it's funny but you're giving your country more stereotypes than it can cope with. 3) Please don't use any language other than English unless you can translate it with a false British accent.  
  
DUKI: "What's wrong with my sign?"  
  
FORGE: "It's ridiculous."  
  
DUKI: *Shrugs* "I think that's all the comments/questions that's not for our guest. Thanks to all you reviewers for contributing ^.^"  
  
PYRO: "Looks like I'll have to get Pietro now." *Half the audience cheers loudly*  
  
DUKI: "Don't bother, he actually booked himself for the show after he heard Todd came. He should be here - "  
  
A blur rushes out from the trans-dimentional portal.  
  
DUKI: " -now"  
  
PIETRO: *Looks at all the fangirls* "I do attract a good crowd don't I." *Gives audience his famous Quicksilver smirk*  
  
Half the audience (inside and outside the studio) swoons/drools/ acts fangirlish.  
  
Pietro sits down on the guest chair. Shackles appear, and secure him onto the chair before he could react (He may be fast but my machines are faster ^.- )  
  
PIETRO: "Hey! You told me I wouldn't be restrained!"  
  
DUKI: "I lied. Let's just say I changed my mind after Toad sent me a footage of what happened last the time you had a sugar high."  
  
PIETRO: "Fine. On with the questions."  
  
DUKI: *Takes out a remote control and punches in several commands. Questions are displayed on the screen.* "You're a popular boy Speedy. This could take a while. . ."  
  
PIETRO: *Drums fingers on armrest*  
  
DUKI: "The first five questions are from Tali. She asks: Have you ever glanced at a dryer and got transfixed by the swirling colors the clothes make?"  
  
PIETRO: "I've never gotten transfixed before. Probably because the dryer at the brotherhood house doesn't work."  
  
DUKI: "Next question: Vegemite or marmite?"  
  
PIETRO: "What's that?"  
  
DUKI: "They're stuff you put on bread/crackers. Popular here in Australia and New Zealand. You can try some if you want." *Steps on a peddle. A machine arm feeds Pietro two crackers, one with vegemite and the other with marmite.*  
  
DUKI: *Watches Pietro chew* "Well?"  
  
PIETRO: "That stuff tasted worse than slime!"  
  
DUKI: "Your opinion I guess. Number three from Tali: Blondes or Brunettes?"  
  
The girls in the audience listened intently for the answer. Eager to figure what color to dye their hair.  
  
PIETRO: "As long as they're female. . ."  
  
Duki decides not to bring up the discussion about Speedy's 'Fruitiness'  
  
DUKI: "4: When your running does everything else go really slow or do you just go really fast?"  
  
PIETRO: *Preens* "Everything seems to go slow for me. And yeah, I'm pretty fast as well. It's a combination of those two."  
  
DUKI: "Last question from Tali: Which of the X-girls would you most like to go out with and why?. *Looks amused* If you're smart you'll choose not to answer that one."  
  
Pietro looks at the Romy/Rietro supporters. A live camera feed was displayed on another screen, showing the reaction from outside. The shippers all looked on eagerly for an answer.  
  
PIETRO: *Realizes he could piss off a lot of rabid fangirls/shippers*  
  
DUKI: "Here's a tip. If you answer wrong, not even I will be able to save you."  
  
PIETRO: "Well. . . I. . . kinda *mutters something in superspeed*  
  
DUKI: "Wise choice Quickie. You're not just good looks after all."  
  
Audience seems disappointed.  
  
DUKI: "Eve asks: what kind of hair gel do you use?"  
  
PIETRO: "Actually my hair stays this way naturally."  
  
DUKI: *Looks insulted* "If you didn't want to reveal your secret you could've just said so."  
  
PIETRO: "But I was telling the tru - "  
  
DUKI: *Cuts in* "Eve also asks when did you first get your powers?"  
  
PIETRO: "I really can't remember the exact time. But I did make daddy very proud."  
  
DUKI: "Righto. WormmonABC asks, Pietro: Caffeine or adrenaline?  
  
PIETRO: "Top choice: adrenaline. Most likely: Caffine + sugar."  
  
DUKI: *types several commands into her desk-top computer* "I have one final question: would you like a challenge?"  
  
PIETRO: "The word 'Duh' comes to mind. . ."  
  
DUKI: "Great" *Evil* "Here's the low-down. Wear this tee-shirt *Holds up a 'Hug Me' imprinted shirt* I would've liked it to say something else but I have to keep this within the ratings."  
  
PIETRO: "Continue."  
  
DUKI: "Ok, wear this, and do a lap outside *Even more evil* If you survive, you go home."  
  
PIETRO: "That's all?"  
  
DUKI: "Yep." *Push a button that says 'release sugar junkie'. Pietro Maximoff's shackles are removed.*  
  
Pietro grabs the shirt and changes while the fangirls drool.  
  
DUKI: "I think you should go get Gambit now Pyro."  
  
PYRO: *moans* "But it's getting to the good part!"  
  
DUKI: "I'll have it on tape, now go!"  
  
Pyro leaves slowly, complaining.  
  
DUKI: "Forge? Arm the door defenses!"  
  
Forge does something, several multicolored guns and cannons revolved to face the studio exit.  
  
DUKI: "Ready? *Pietro nods* Crank open the door Forge!"  
  
Forge does as he was told, mumbling something about his unfair treatment. The steel enforced doors opens with a couple of metallic sounds.  
  
As soon as he could fit through the opening, Pietro was off in a blur. He was halfway round the fangirl-covered parking lot when he began to become over whelmed.  
  
Forge and Rubber Duki watched from the platform as the speed-demon was carried off by a happy lot of fangirls (Alison Sky leading up front).  
  
DUKI: "This goes to prove my theory . . . you can't mess with the power of obsession."  
  
*BOOM!*  
  
The portal door is blown clean off its hinges. A charred-around-the-edges looking Pyro appears through the doorway, dragging a struggling Remy LeBeau. Remy was currently charging and throwing as many cards as he could. One landed on the machine powering the portal. It went up in flames and multi-colored sparks.  
  
DUKI: *shakes head as the sprinklers activate and cake all the charged cards in a layer of foam* "That was REALLY expensive."  
  
REMY: "Gambit wants to know what the hell is going on here!"  
  
DUKI: *Confused* "Didn't Pyro explain it to you?"  
  
REMY: "Oui, dat was why I struggled so much."  
  
DUKI: *Frowns* "Read the sign."  
  
REMY: *Looks at all his fans carrying signs* "Which one?"  
  
DUKI: *Points to the memo board.* "My sign."  
  
REMY: *Reads the memo about using another language.* "But dat's ridiculous!"  
  
FORGE: "That's what I said. Trust me, she won't listen."  
  
REMY: "Remy has decided dat dis meeting is over! I'm leaving!"  
  
DUKI: "Ok then. Exit's that way, seeing how you blew up the portal."  
  
*Audience boos.*  
  
PYRO: *Puzzled, very* "You're letting him go? After all the trouble it took to get him here?"  
  
DUKI: "Yep."  
  
Remy opens the side door. . . to face hundreds of squealing fangirls.  
  
REMY: *Slams door* "Remy has suddenly decided to stay."  
  
DUKI: "Remy makes wise choices." *Waves a hand towards the guest chair.* "Take a seat please."  
  
Remy does so. As usual, shackles keep him there  
  
DUKI: "Here's the questions. The first four are from Tali, which is pretty much the same as the questions she had for Speedy. Number one: Have you ever glanced at a dryer and got transfixed by the swirling colors the clothes make?"  
  
REMY: "Non."  
  
PYRO: "Yes you have! You'd always sit in front of the dryer when you're washing that trench coat."  
  
REMY: "Well if no one tried to steal Remy's undert'ings den I wouldn't have that problem."  
  
PYRO: "So sue me for trying to raise some money selling memorabilia. I'm not exactly being highly paid here."  
  
DUKI: "Save it for after the show you two, this isn't a Jerry Springer show look-a-like. Next question: Vegemite or marmite? And before you ask, it's a spread. Would you like to try some?"  
  
An electronic hand shoves a couple of crackers into Gambit's mouth before he could reply.  
  
REMY: *Chews* "Me t'inks I liked de second cracker."  
  
DUKI: *To Forge* "What did you put on the second one?"  
  
FORGE: *Scratches head* "I really can't remember."  
  
DUKI: *Starts to rethink the whole zombie idea* "3. Blondes or Brunettes?"  
  
REMY: "Remy was always partial to brunettes. . . *Several members of the audience starts to scribble down notes to dye their hair* . . . but I like blondes just fine."  
  
DUKI: "Number four: Which of the X-girls would you most like to go out with and why?"  
  
*Silence as everyone pays extreme attention.*  
  
REMY: *Thinking* 'If Remy says Rogue den de Rietro fans'll get mad. If Remy don't say Rogue den de Romy fans will get mad. . .'  
  
REMY: *Speaks out loud* "Um. . . Remy hasn't known any of the X-girls well enough to like zem just yet."  
  
DUKI: *Claps hands* "Smart Cajun boy."  
  
Some fans looks frustrated, but not that aggravated - yet.  
  
DUKI: "This is from Spencerblaze: Remy, why are your eyes red? lol did you charge them or something?? I always wanted to know that. . ."  
  
REMY: "Actually, My eyes are like this because of my mutation. . ."  
  
DUKI: "I'll take over the explaining here. You see. . . *A complex diagram of an eye is displayed onscreen* For the iris to turn out as completely black while the pupil is red is because of the color detecting and reflection fragments. . . *Five minutes later* - and THAT'S why Gambit there's eyes are the way they are."  
  
FORGE: "You made most of that up didn't you?"  
  
DUKI: "Only after the first sentence."  
  
REMY: "Hello? Remy's getting old here."  
  
DUKI: "Oh, right, the questions. Eve asks: when did you first get your powers?"  
  
REMY: "Let's just say I got in trouble one time when I was younger. I learnt to defend myself with my powers."  
  
DUKI: "Eve also asks: Why did the show give Remy brown eyes the time he was seen?"  
  
REMY: "Huh?"  
  
DUKI: "I think I should answer that one. I don't know, and I doubt that Gambit knows either. It was odd too, how they gave him red eyes in 'Stuff of Villans' and 'Dark Horizon Part I and II' "  
  
REMY: "Can you stop speaking like Gambit's not here?"  
  
DUKI: "Hey, you talk in third-person, so I can too. Last one from Eve: What's Remy favorite brand of cards?"  
  
REMY: "I don't really care, as long as they're cards."  
  
DUKI: "I think that's all the questions - *The ground shakes for a couple of seconds.* What was that?"  
  
FORGE: "I don't know. Avalanche isn't supposed to be here till next time. . . "  
  
PYRO: "INCOMING!!!"  
  
*More shaking*  
  
FORGE: *Looks out the window* "It looks like the Fangirls have built some sort of battering ram out of all their signs."  
  
DUKI: *Thinks for a sec* "One last thing Remy, I really hate you for blowing up my portal - "  
  
REMY: "Wow, Remy feels loved."  
  
DUKI: " - how do you feel like emergency exits?"  
  
REMY: "What kind of - "  
  
Duki pushes another button (how many does she have? More that enough.). A pothole opens in the middle of the studio floor.  
  
REMY: "- Exit. . ."  
  
DUKI: "Down the hatch everyone. If they get in, it won't be pretty."  
  
They do as they're told (Pyro, Forge and Remy being 'they'). The pothole closes just as the door breaks down.  
  
VOICE OVER GUY (which is a pre-recording of Pyro's voice): "And that's all for now. Tune in next time for another fun-filled episode of -"  
  
*Boom* ~ that's the sound of a thousand fangirls searching for Remy LeBeau.  
  
*******  
  
Duki ~ I've discovered a formulae! Reviews + Ideas equals writer write faster!! *maniac laughter*  
  
Forge ~ She's sleep deprived. Tali threatened that if she didn't get the chapter up she'll get a very looong phone call.  
  
Pyro ~ I can't believe Remy had THAT many fangirls. . .  
  
Next time: Lancie poo and Rogue.  
  
-Rubber Duki 


	5. Lancie poo and Rogue

= Duki's Incredibly Insane and Politically Incorrect X-men Evo Show =  
  
This document is 98% accurate. 2% unavoidable made up stuff.  
  
You have been warned. And no, Duki doesn't really care who she offends.  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Forge ~ How many time do I have to tell you?  
  
Rubber Duki ~ But-  
  
Forge ~ You CAN'T own X-men without, money, being over the age limit to sign a contract, a desire NOT to run the show to the ground and money!  
  
Rubber Duki ~ Well Fine! I don't want X-men anyway! *storms out muttering* All I wanted was to NOT have to write a disclaimer but noooo, Mr. Common Sense comes and ruins it . . .  
  
AN: You reviewers asked A LOT of questions for this chapter (mostly from Juuhachigou and her accomplices). It took me awhile, but it's done *cracks knuckles* after all, I do like a challenge. *Grins* This chapie is waaay longer than the rest. . . enjoy!  
  
******  
  
The lights go on, nothing seems to go wrong. In fact, for the first time things go right, right? Wrong. . .  
  
PYRO (Voice Over): "Welcome to Duki's Incredibly Insane and Politically Incorrect X-men Evo Show. Introducing your host: MEEE."  
  
DUKI: "I can't believe you're getting away with this. . ."  
  
PYRO: *Emerges behind Duki's desk* "Getting away with what?"  
  
DUKI: "LOCKING ME IN THIS BOX!!! LET ME OUT!!!"  
  
PYRO: *Turning to face the viewers* "You're probably wondering why Duki's inside that reinforced steel box." *Points at a box in the corner of the stage*  
  
DUKI: *mutters* "I'll bet they are."  
  
PYRO: *continues* "Well, y'see, Duki's a Lance fan."  
  
FORGE: "Yep."  
  
PYRO: "And since she's not known for her subtle approaches to things. . ."  
  
Throughout the entire time they were talking, Rubber Duki was banging on the side of her box - until it fell over on it's side.  
  
DUKI: *From inside her imprisonment* "Ow. . ."  
  
PYRO: "So you see, we -"  
  
FORGE: "I want no part in this." *Yells towards Duki's steel cell* "I didn't help with any of this! I swear!"  
  
PYRO: "Ok. . . So you see /I/ thought it would be of our guest's best interest if we keep Duki out of the way for this show."  
  
DUKI: *mumbles* "It's not like I was gonna glomp him or anything. . . *shouts* IF YOU LET ME OUT NOW I WON'T HURT YOU. . .as much as I'd planned to. IT'S DARK IN HERE!"  
  
PYRO: "I left you air holes so don't complain."  
  
DUKI: *Continues to shout threats'n such*  
  
PYRO: *ignores Duki* "First order of business, comments and questions for us. *Glances at a piece of paper in his hand* "Dusk, who reviewed by email, asks Forge: What did you eat while in Middleverse and how did you *cough* deal with the aftereffects of that?"  
  
FORGE: *Looks up from installing something* "If you must know, there were plenty of food still in the cafeteria. They never went bad just like how I never aged, and surprisingly, middleverse extended to a bathroom. Once the 'aftereffects' went down the pipes and towards the edge of middleverse, my theory is that they stayed down there." *Goes back to drilling*  
  
PYRO: "And he has a question for me, Pyro: Are you really a mutant? After all, there are so many flatscans (norm or whatever you prefer) that can control fire, they've made a name for it; pyrokinesis. *Looks up* Last time I checked, I was a mutant. I guess the norms who can control fire are either seriously Un-normal or frauds."  
  
DUKI: *Rolls her eyes in the dark* "Sorry for the bluntness Dusk, I think you should really take into consideration that Pyro originated in the 'Fiction' universe." *Continues to bang her fists against the cell wall*  
  
PYRO: "faeryeyes asks me this: 1. how did u become an acolyte anyway? 2. how do you plan to catch everyone, by now wouldn't the Xmen have figured out to run away when they see you? Hasn't scott or kitty or wolverine or someone told everyone to look out? 3. um... i 'accidently' sprayed silly string and bug spray all over my neighbors yard. then 'somehow' a match ,that i happened to have lighted in my hand, came into contact with the silly string and bug spray. and um... now there is this huge fire going on. i sorta need it put out before they come back... can you help me, seeing as your a pyro and all?!?!?!"  
  
PYRO: *Smiles* "Magneto just showed up one day and offered me membership. I won't go into details but it sounded like a cool job at the time. And the X-men thing? I always have a way. . . I'll help you with the fire ASAP."  
  
*shuffles papers*  
  
PYRO: "I got a question for ya Duki. If you like Lance Alvers so much, why didn't you kidnap him for your assistant?"  
  
DUKI: *Stops banging* "Simple. I hired you because you were the only one I could think of that'd understand my need for unnecessary destruction. I also kidnapped Forge because he was the only one I could find that could FIX our unnecessary destruction."  
  
PYRO: "Geeze, I'm flattered. . ."  
  
DUKI: "And I have something to tell Juuhachigou: It's ok if you missed asking Pietro and Remy your questions. I'm planning a special finale episode when I invite everybody back."  
  
PYRO: "Yep, that's about it. I'm going to get Lance." *walks towards the repaired portal* "Don't let Duki out Forge, because I can put down proof that you DID have something to do with containing Duki. Then you'd have two very angry and psychotic people directing their attention at you."  
  
FORGE: *Gulps*  
  
PYRO: "Be right back." *Leaves*  
  
DUKI: "You know Forge, I won't be mad if you let me out now. . ."  
  
FORGE: *Whistles* "I'm not listening. . ."  
  
DUKI: "Come'on Forge, you can trust me when I say I won't hurt you. I'm going to get out one way or another, and if you don't help me out now then I /promise/ you'll be needing another prosthetic limb."  
  
FORGE: "Sorry Duki, but if I let you out then both Pyro AND Lance will have something against me. I'd rather face an angry human as opposed to facing two angry mutants."  
  
DUKI: *Growls before muttering* "I'll show you what THIS angry human can do. . ."  
  
*BOOM* the portal coughs smoke before Pyro and Avalanche enters the studio.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Bzzzzzzzz. We would like to interrupt this episode of *insert title here* to make a special announcement:  
  
DUKI: *Sobs* "Y'see. I- I have . . . *Pause for dramatic effect*  
  
PYRO: "You have. . .?"  
  
DUKI: "Shut up, that was supposed to be dramatic!"  
  
PYRO: *Rolls eyes*  
  
DUKI: "Well. . . y'see. . . I HAVE WRITERS BLOCK!!!" *Bawls*  
  
FORGE: *Gasp* "Errr, why did I just gasp?"  
  
PYRO: "Because our author's broken."  
  
DUKI: *Wipes eyes* "This is ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"  
  
PYRO: *Confused* "Why?"  
  
DUKI: "Why? WHY??? YOU LOCKED ME IN A BOX, AND Y'KNOW WHAT? IT'S DARK IN HERE!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO WRITE IN THE DARK???"  
  
FORGE: "Stop leaning on the caps lock key. You're giving me a headache."  
  
DUKI: "WHAT? Oh, I mean, what? Is this better?"  
  
LANCE: "Can you get on with this? Why did you have to stop when it's my turn to speak?"  
  
DUKI: "Right - just give me some thinking room."  
  
*Five minutes later*  
  
LANCE: "Did you know that OTHER authors can turn out one chapter per day?"  
  
DUKI: "Yeah, yeah, I'm over it ok? Now we can get back to the show."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Pyro sits down in Duki's chair  
  
PYRO: "Ok, that was an. . . odd experience."  
  
LANCE: *Goes to sit down on a stool* "Welcome to Fandom my friend, welcome to fandom and all it's zany glory."  
  
PYRO: "I assume that you already know what happens on this show?"  
  
LANCE: "Heard it all from Toad. . . but before we start, can I ask a coupla questions?"  
  
PYRO: "Shoot."  
  
An audience member screams and dives under his seat screaming 'don't shoot!'  
  
LANCE: "For one, why is your audience full of old ladies and one psycho guy? *points at audience which is filled with old ladies and one psycho guy* And how come Pietro never came back from his visit? And why is there someone in that box? *Looks over at Duki*  
  
PYRO: "Actually it goes like this. . . *Takes deep breath* Fangirls took Pietro but don't worry, he'll escape (hopefully). Fangirls also trashed the studio, so now we have to borrow 'Aunt Bettie's Cooking Show' studio for the duration of today. . . only the audience for the cooking show came anyway. I'm not sure about the psycho guy. He's probably a friend of Duki's. The person locked in the box is Duki, our regular host, but I thought it might be safer for you if she's kept out of the way today."  
  
DUKI: "I don't care how I do it but I'm getting out before Lance leaves!" *Starts singing the song that never ends*  
  
PYRO: *amused* "That song? *Chuckles* Amateur." *Chuckle turns into full-blown random/EVIL laughter*  
  
FORGE: *To Duki* "Are you /sure/ you're over that writers block? Because that was REALLY loony."  
  
DUKI: "No, Pyro just does that naturally." *Goes back to singing*  
  
PYRO: "Ok Lance, here comes the questions."  
  
DUKI: "WAIT!"  
  
PYRO: *impatient* "What is it?"  
  
DUKI: "Because I'm tired of typing in the dark, can you just ask your questions in lumps?"  
  
PYRO: "Lumps?"  
  
DUKI: "Yeah, like more than one question at a time."  
  
PYRO: "Fine. Lance, the following is from Todd Fan. She asks: If you had to choose between your rock puns and your jeep, which would you get rid of first?"  
  
LANCE: "Are you implying there's something wrong with my puns?"  
  
DUKI: "As much as I like you. Yes."  
  
PYRO: "She even updated the memo board for ya." *Points at memo, with has an added notice: 4) Use rock puns and suffer* "Now answer your question."  
  
LANCE: "Rock puns."  
  
PYRO: "Good. Now this is from WormmonABC who also seem to like you very much: Who would win in a contest between Spiderman and Batman?"  
  
LANCE: "What kind of contest? Skating contest? Yu-Gi-Oh! Dueling contest? Pie eating contest?. . ."  
  
PYRO: *Shrugs* "I dunno. Just choose someone."  
  
LANCE: "Fine, Spiderman."  
  
PYRO: "Now these two are from Tali: 1.)Why the stupid helmet, do you actually like looking like an idiot or have you never seen yourself in the mirror? 2.)Why kitty?"  
  
LANCE: "My helmet is NOT stupid - "  
  
DUKI: *From the box* "Yeah! I like it!" *Goes back to singing: 'I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves*  
  
LANCE: "- I /have/ looked in the mirror and I dunno, I just like Kitty."  
  
PYRO: "Fair enough. These question are from Juuhachigou and what seems to be her many, many friends. Here's the first four: 1. Do you notice how much you have in common with Kitty (besides the mutant stuff)? 2. Would you consider dying your hair green? 3. Would you consider a mohawk? 4. Would you consider a buzzcut?"  
  
LANCE: "No I never notice I had that much in common with Kitty. I would not dye my hair green, it gets green enough with all of Toad's slime. Only Freddy would look right in a mohawk and I probably won't get a buzzcut anytime soon."  
  
PYRO: *Brings out another sheet of paper to read from* "Here's the next four: 5. Has your phone ever gone green green green and you pinked it up and said yellow? 6. Do you secretly love Todd/Toad? -"  
  
LANCE: "Hell no! I mean, for the Toad thing, and no also for the phone."  
  
PYRO: "Then I guess I should skip the next two. 9. Why are all your jokes corny? 10. Have you ever seen the Rocky Horror Show? 11. Have you ever seen Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky I, etc? 12. Do you like mobster movies?"  
  
LANCE: "Not all my jokes are corny, only the puns. Yes I've seen all those shows and mobster movies are ok."  
  
PYRO: "Next 'uns: 13. What's with the weird alien costume thingy? 14. Why do your eyes roll into the back of your head when you do your power thingy? 15. Do your eyes do a total backflip or do they come back down when you do that?"  
  
LANCE: "The costume is a GOOD design. I guess my eyes roll back for the same reasons Storm's eyes white out and Fuzzball's fur. I have no idea if they backflip or not, I'd never thought of it that way before."  
  
PYRO: "Some more: 16. Are you virgin? 17. Do you use scented toiletpaper? 18. Boxers or briefs?"  
  
LANCE: *Turns Red* "I'll pass on the first one. Do you have any ideas how much scented toilet paper cost? And Boxers."  
  
PYRO: "But you HAVE to answer ALL the questions Lance."  
  
DUKI: "Don't push it Pyro. I'll make exceptions for Lance."  
  
PYRO: "But - "  
  
DUKI: *Sings* "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves! Everybody's nerves. . ."  
  
PYRO: "Fine. 19. What anime character do you think you resemble the most? 20. Are you Canadian? 21. Are you from Colorado? 22. Do you like the Colorado Avalanches? (it's a hockey team for those of you that dont know) 23. Do you have a Colorado Avalanche jersey?"  
  
LANCE: "I'd say I'm most like Raven from Zoids. I'm not a Canadian nor am I from Colorado. I don't care about the Colorado Avalanches and I don't have a jersey *pauses* even though now I might look into that. . ."  
  
PYRO: "Look into it later. 24. Do you like lemon or lime? 25. Do you like Lemon-Lime or fluff? 26. Are you a...(eyes shift) hentai?"  
  
LANCE: "I like lemon. Never tried the stuff and no."  
  
PYRO: "27. Survival question! You're in the desert, when suddenly a bear attacks you. There are no rocks around, just lots of sand. The bear is 20 feet tall and it weighs two tons. What do you do?"  
  
LANCE: "I'll shoot it with a shot gun."  
  
PYRO: "But what if you don't have a shot gun?"  
  
LANCE: "If I ever go into a desert where there are no rocks and two ton bears inhabit it, I'll bring a gun."  
  
PYRO: "Almost done. Just one final question from me and the team. Forge!"  
  
Forge walks up to the stage and attaches something to Lance's arm.  
  
FORGE: "It's a lie detector *He does something and squiggly lines appear on a screen set up on a tripod.*  
  
PYRO: "Here's the big question. You do have a woobie right?"  
  
LANCE: *Starts to perspire* "Er. . .um. . . no?"  
  
The lie detector goes crazy, smoke start bellowing out as the needle moves in all sorts of directions. The squiggly lines go up on such a high angle that the thing finally blew up.  
  
DUKI: "Is that the sound of more equipment breaking?" *No one dares to confirm it* "That's it, I'm getting my self out." *The sound of a cell phone dialing emits from the box* "Hello? Pyromaniac? Oh, it's Duki. I was just about to ask you to stop by and. . ."  
  
PYRO: *Goes white* "Uh oh. . . I'LL LET YOU OUT DUKI!!!"  
  
Mr Allerdyce rushes up the box, a quick burst of flame melting an entrance. He pulls Duki out, grabs her cell phone and stomps on it repeatedly.  
  
DUKI: "I really liked that phone. . ." *Glares at Pyro*  
  
PYRO: "Hey! Look at the time! You have to go now *Pushes Lance through the portal* And I'll go get Rogue! *Suits up in an outfit that looked like it was stolen from environmental control. Every inch of his skin was covered*  
  
DUKI: *watches Pyro leave* "I knew he was gonna run my show to the ground *Glares at Forge* I'll punish you both as soon as this show is over."  
  
FORGE: *Glances at watch* "Geeze, I should be getting ready for Rogue's arrival by now. . .BYE!" *Runs back stage*  
  
DUKI: *Sits down one her chair* "Hire the bionic arm guy they tell me. . . Get that pyro dude they tell me. . . it'll be great, they'll make great assistants they tell me. . . note to self, never take advice from people who give bad advice. . ."  
  
*BANG! Clunk clunk clunk*  
  
The quick-repaired portal sputters as Pyro enters carrying a not-so-happy Rogue.  
  
ROGUE: *Notices the 'portable shackles' on her wrists and ankles* "Ah hate the fandom."  
  
DUKI: "Yeah yeah, and I hate being stuck in a box. I'm tired and not fully recovered from writers' block. Just answer the questions quickly so we can both go home."  
  
Rubber Duki shuffles some scraps of paper.  
  
DUKI: "Now, if train A travels at 60 km/h and train B travels at. . . oh wait, that's my maths homework *pauses* uh oh, I forgot to finish it. Just a sec." *Gets out a pencil and starts doing homework*  
  
ROGUE: "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr"  
  
DUKI: *Looks up* "What? *Looks at Rogue* Fine, I'll do it later. *Turns on her official question reading face* First you got some questions from Spencerblaze and Eileen Blazer, they basically ask you the same question: What do YOU think of all the Romy/Rietro pairing? Which one would you choose."  
  
ROGUE: "Before Ah answer any questions, Ah've got one thing to make clear. I HATE ALL YA FANFICTION WRITERS. What's up with all those pairings? Have any of you nuts ever thought that Ah might not like either of 'em?"  
  
DUKI: "Eh. . . calm down there -"  
  
ROGUE: "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO DUCK! Ah wanna rant and rant Ah shall."  
  
DUKI: "Ok then. . ."  
  
ROGUE: "Ah mean it's as if everyone thinks Ah've got to be this angsty chick who can nevah be happy. *Stares at the audience* Guess what audience? Ah've got one of the strongest powers, and Ah like it! Just because Ah can't kiss every swamp rat that crosses m'ah sight doesn't mean Ah can't be happy!"  
  
DUKI: "But the fanfic authors do make you happy. . ."  
  
ROGUE: "Only when Ah hook up with Remy or Pietro or regain the ability to touch."  
  
DUKI: "So. . . does that mean you're not gonna tell us who you like."  
  
ROGUE: "Oh, sorry. Got sidetracked a bit there. *smiles sheepishly* Ah /do/ like someone, it's *BEEP*"  
  
Audience look confused.  
  
ROGUE: "Ah wasn't swearing."  
  
DUKI: "I know, that's just the microwave telling me the popcorn's done *grabs popcorn form the cooking studio's microwave* continue."  
  
ROGUE: "Well, Ah do kinda like Scott."  
  
*somewhere out there, the Romy/Rietro fans falls over and twitches*  
  
DUKI: "Give it some time, I'm sure you'll develop another love interest. Now here's Tali's questions: 1.)Are you just this cool naturally or does it take alot of work? 2.)Is there something going on between you and scott or is it all a figment of my strange imagination? 3.)How long do you take over someones power? 4.)Would you consider going out with one of the brotherhood? If so which one and why? 5.)Would you consider going out with one of the X-men?If so which one and why?  
  
ROGUE: *Deep breath* "Ah'm cool? You actually think Ah'm cool? *Shrugs* There's nothing between me and Scott, Ah DO like him a bit, but Jean's got him now. . . Also, the longer Ah grab on, the longer I get their powers."  
  
DUKI: "I'm pretty sure question four'n five are pretty much been done earlier. Here's some questions from Dusk, Rogue: In Shanejayell's The Adventures of Shadowcat and Rogue, Kitty uses her power to overcome your inability to be touched. Do you think that would work?"  
  
ROGUE: "Sure it'll work. . . if the writers of X-men agree. Otherwise. . . no."  
  
DUKI: "Another from Dusk: Anyway, additional question for Rogue: What feelings does the name Marie Darkholme invoke? *Goes to sit down in the back of the studio in a perpetually shadow- enshrouded section of the seats. *  
  
ROGUE: *Growls in a wolverine like manner* "Bite me"  
  
DUKI: "Ha! Like I'm gonna fall for that one again."  
  
People give Duki an odd look.  
  
DUKI: "From WormmonABC: Who would win in a contest between Spiderman and Batman?"  
  
ROGUE: "Batman."  
  
DUKI: *looks at a flashing button on her laptop* "I got you some last minute questions from faeryeyes: 1. how much longer until you kill jean? or will you at all? 2. is your favorite color secretly pink? 3. are you aware of all the fics where you are lesbian? can i flame those people who wrote them? 4. do you know why there are llamas? i don't. do they have a point?"  
  
ROGUE: "Oh, Ah don't really wanna KILL Jean. . . telepaths are hard to sneak up on. No Ah don't really like pink. Flame away, Ah don't mind. Llamas are a good source to food and provides wool for people of the andes."  
  
DUKI: "Now for the questions from Juuhachigou and her accomplices: 1. Why is it that in Evolution you can't perform CPR, yet in the original Marvel series you can kiss Gambit without hurting him? 2. Why dont you have a codename? 3. Is your hair natural?"  
  
ROGUE: "Honestly? Ah've got no clue. Rogue IS m'ah codename and yes."  
  
DUKI: "More: 4. Would you ever wear pink? 5. Would you consider neon green hair? 6. Would you consider a mohawk? 7. Would you consider a buzzcut?"  
  
ROGUE: "No, no, no and no."  
  
DUKI: "8. Are you a slut? 9. What do you like better, Rogue x Remy (Romy), Rogue x Pietro (Pietrogue) or Rogue x Scott (...I donno, Scrogue? O_o) 10. Does your phone go green green green and you pink it up and say yellow?"  
  
ROGUE: "Here's m'ah answers: 8) How can Ah? I can't touch people remember? 9) I've been there already. 10) No. . . are you on crack?"  
  
DUKI: "Next! 11. Would you consider a relationship with Kurt even though it's all incest-y and stuff? 12. Can you only absorb a character if you touch their skin, or would hair/fur prevent you from absorbing them? (I think you absorbed Kurt once)"  
  
ROGUE: "If Ah was completely drunk then maybe. I /can/ absorb powers through fur, though sometimes Ah can't. . . maybe I touched Kurt's skin through his fur that time."  
  
DUKI: "More questions: 13. What's your favorite kind of soda? 14. Are you a goth southerner or are you the anti-yankee kind? 15. Do you have any pets? 16. Are you from Alabama?"  
  
ROGUE: "M'ah favorite soda's coke, 'cause they're paying me to say this. Ah don't classify m'ah self. Ah don't have pets, what's the point of stroking a dog with gloves on? Am Ah from Alabama? Ask the X-men evo writers, Ah sure have no clue."  
  
DUKI: "17. Do you like cats? 18. Why are you so pasty? 19. Which is better: French or Italian cuisine?"  
  
ROGUE: "Cat's are okay. Ah'm pasty 'cause of the make-up. Ah like Italian."  
  
DUKI: "Last ones! 20. Did it ever occur to you that Remy might be Canadian? 21. Did it ever occur to you that Remy might be a yankee? 22. Do you care if any of your friends are yankees? 23. In a past life, were you a certain batgirl treasure hunter?"  
  
ROGUE: *Thoughtful* "Hey! He COULD be Canadian! Though Ah don't think he's a yankee. Why should I care if m'ah friend's are yankees? Ah don't believe in past lives."  
  
DUKI: *Wipes forehead* "Finally, it's DONE."  
  
ROGUE: "Am Ah going home now?"  
  
DUKI: "Sure, portal's that way."  
  
Rogue leaves. Rubber Duki pops her feet on the table.  
  
DUKI: "Now, payback for the box. . ."  
  
VOICE OVER GUY (which is a pre-recording of Pyro's voice): "And that's all for now. Tune in next time for another fun-filled episode of Duki's Incredibly Insane and Politically Incorrect X-men Evo Show!"  
  
PYRO: "BUFFALO!!!"  
  
DUKI: "No, Bison"  
  
A stampede of bisons chases Pyro round the studio. . .  
  
*******  
  
DUKI ~ I've got one word for all the Romy/Rietro fans out there - SUFFER! Te hehehehehehe  
  
FORGE *who is currently being dunked in a tub of water repeatedly* ~ I told you *Glub Glub* you should've given her bigger air holes. . . *Glub Glub*  
  
PYRO *Sticking bandages on various cuts'n abrasions* ~ Shut up. . .  
  
DUKI ~ Oh wait! Te hehe? That's waaaay too cute to be evil. How 'bout Muahahahah *hic* hahahaha *hic* hahaha. . .  
  
FORGE *who somehow escaped his water torture* ~ I know I'll probably suffer badly for this - *Knocks Duki unconscious with his bionic 'mallet' arm* - but I think the benefits will out weigh the consequences.  
  
PYRO ~ *Smiles through his bandages* Review! *Cocks his flame-thrower* because it'll take Duki's attention away from killing us.  
  
Next time: Magsie (Yay! Metal man's in da house) and Mystique  
  
-Rubber Duki 


	6. Magsie and Mystique

= Duki's Incredibly Insane and Politically Incorrect X-men Evo Show =  
  
This document is 98% accurate. 2% unavoidable made up stuff.  
  
You have been warned. And no, Duki doesn't really care who she offends.  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Forge ~ No  
  
Rubber Duki ~ But-  
  
Forge ~ I SAID NO!  
  
Rubber Duki ~ Fine. *Looks up at the readers* I don't own X-men Evolution.  
  
Forge ~ Good girl.  
  
*********  
  
The lights go on. . . Actually, the candles light up.  
  
PYRO: *looks up from lighting various candles* "We can't have any real lights today."  
  
FORGE: *Fiddling with a plastic contraption* "Yeah, they have metal within them, and you know why we can't have metal?"  
  
DUKI: *Running a systems check* " Because Magneto's coming." *Pyro lights a chandelier, flooding the whole studio with moderate light.* "So we'll be in a plastic studio for at least half our show."  
  
The chandelier reveals a completely plasticfied studio, everything was a non-metal.  
  
DUKI: *Sits down on a wooden chair* "You have no idea how hard it is to run electricity through here without metal."  
  
FORGE: "You have no idea how hard it is to install a non-metal restraining chair without your right arm." *Holds up to show his prosthetic arm was missing*  
  
DUKI: "It was steel, get over it."  
  
FORGE: "Can we start the show now?"  
  
DUKI: "Sure *takes out a tape recorder and bangs it on the table, it plays the usual introduction before Duki throws it outside*  
  
DUKI: "There, intro played without the use of speakers."  
  
FORGE: *Admires his handiwork with the restraining chair* "You know what?"  
  
PYRO'n DUKI: "What?"  
  
FORGE: "Things might actually go well today, so far the show's started, and we haven't had any major disasters yet."  
  
DUKI: "Since when did we have disasters?"  
  
FORGE: "Since the minute the show began."  
  
PYRO: "So? Disasters are entertaining. Our audience love 'em" *Waves to the audience, who were all stuffed uncomfortably onto plastic chairs*  
  
DUKI: "Besides, look at all the fire here today. I'd say we have a bit of a hazard here."  
  
FORGE: "Yeah? Well hopefully Pyro can manage that problem. . . knock on wood." *He knocks on an ornamental wooden tissue box holder*  
  
PYRO: "Where did that tissue holder come from?"  
  
FORGE: *Shrugs* "Giant plot hole?"  
  
They both stare at Rubber Duki.  
  
DUKI: "So I had a little sugar. . ."  
  
FORGE: "Why don't we start today with the comments from our reviewers?"  
  
DUKI: " Why ho diddly not?"  
  
FORGE'n PYRO: *Blinks*  
  
DUKI: "Ok, so I had a lot of sugar."  
  
FORGE: "Can we get on with it?"  
  
DUKI: "What's the hurry?"  
  
PYRO: *snickers* "I think he wants to see Mystique."  
  
FORGE: *Matter-of-factly* "No, I want my arm back after Magneto leaves."  
  
DUKI: "If you want, I can give you a wooden replacement for the duration of the show."  
  
FORGE: "And have you and fire-boy crack jokes about me becoming a 'real- boy'? I think I'll pass."  
  
PYRO: "We're not THAT low Forge mate. Duki and I'll never think of sinking to the level of ripping jokes off Walt Disney."  
  
DUKI: *Gestures for the two to shut up* "Now we'll move onto the reviewers' comments. First up I'd like to say that I'm sorry if I leave out any questions today from all you lovely reviewers. FF.net doesn't seem to want to show me some of the reviews. But if I do happen to miss some questions, I promise to make up for it in the finale episode."  
  
PYRO: *Taps Duki's shoulder*  
  
DUKI: "Yes?"  
  
PYRO: "Todd Fan wondered if I go through a lot of lighter fluid. Does that count as a question?"  
  
FORGE: "I reckon it sounds rhetorical."  
  
DUKI: *shrugs* "Answer if you feel like it."  
  
PYRO: *Beams* "Yes, I do go through a couple of gallons per day, until I switched to this *Holds up a flame-thrower that looked identical to his original* it has 200% more fuel efficiency and coughs out about 50% less emission."  
  
DUKI: "Yep, doing our bit for the environment." *Cheesy grin*  
  
PYRO: "Shall I get Magneto?"  
  
DUKI: "Sure." *a thin slice of metal fly though a window* "Interesting. . . *Picks up metal and reads the indented words* This is Magneto. Love your show. Expect me to drop by sometime. . . now."  
  
A huge metal orb drops in from the ceiling. Spraying everyone inside the studio with roofing insulation. On the side of the orb, was this sign:  
  
'Magneto's Evil Industries. Where we make your nightmares come true.'  
  
'Specials this week ~ Order 3 demolished cities and get one destroyed for free. Ph: 0800 Doom 4 Hire'  
  
MAGNETO: *Exits the orb* "Hello *waves at a stunned audience* Sorry about the crash landing thingy, your building didn't have a helipad. *Shrugs* I hope you have insurance."  
  
Rubber Duki looks sadly towards her studio's ceiling. (Actually there was more hole than there was ceiling).  
  
DUKI: "Eh. . ."  
  
PYRO: "See, there's your disaster Forge."  
  
FORGE: *looks at the tissue box* "Maybe this wasn't real wood. . ."  
  
DUKI: *Takes out her cards* "Please take a seat Mr Lehnsheer sir. *Magneto does so, you can guess what happens next.* And now for the questions. This one's from Raze: Can you control Aluminum foil?"  
  
MAGNETO: "Sure, I can even wrap up your leftovers in the shape of a swan. Want a demonstration?"  
  
DUKI: "Maybe later. Raze also asks: What's your helmet made out of?"  
  
MAGNETO: "Tin Foil and bubblegum. Blueberry flavor."  
  
DUKI: *raises an eyebrow* "Really?"  
  
MAGNETO: "Well, the gum's only needed to hold the thing together. I don't think that the flavor matters either."  
  
DUKI: *Blinks* "And to think this is what outsmarted cerebro. . . Next question, from Marzi: Do all your insides turn metal too? And Do you have do oil yourself?"  
  
MAGNETO: "No and no. Those questions sounded like they were meant for Colossus."  
  
DUKI: "Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. If Marzi's reading, can you please confirm it?"  
  
MAGNETO: "Is that all the questions?"  
  
DUKI: "No, I've still got some questions from me. Number one, if Professor Xavier was a friend of yours, what went wrong?"  
  
MAGNETO: "Simple, he beat me in a game of Scrabble."  
  
DUKI: "That's not true is it."  
  
MAGNETO: "Fine. He beat me in a game of Scrabble. After that we had an argument about our views on human and mutants. End of story."  
  
DUKI: "Ok. So where is the twins' mom?"  
  
MAGNETO: "On earth."  
  
DUKI: "Could you be more specific?"  
  
MAGNETO: "No."  
  
DUKI: "Do you have any hobbies? Or other talents besides your mutant abilities?"  
  
MAGNETO: "I do happen to play the banjo -"  
  
PYRO: "Very, very badly."  
  
MAGNETO: *Annoyed* "I'm not that bad."  
  
PYRO: "Sabertooth howls when you play the banjo."  
  
MAGNETO: "That only happened once, and it was because I accidentally drops the banjo on his foot when I was playing."  
  
DUKI: "Is that all?"  
  
MAGNETO: "Anything else, I would not reveal."  
  
DUKI: "Ok then. I'm done." *Releases the shackles*  
  
MAGENTO: *Hands Duki one of his business cards* "See ya in the finalie." *He climbs into the orb. It exits, creating another hole*  
  
DUKI: "Pyro?"  
  
PYRO: "Mystique?"  
  
DUKI: *Nods*  
  
PYRO: "On my way." *Exits via portal*  
  
FORGE: "I really don't get how he can just always get the guest to come."  
  
DUKI: "Charisma?"  
  
Forge and Duki look at each other.  
  
BOTH: "Nah."  
  
*click click. . . BOOM*  
  
Pyro drags Mystique inside. Either of them looked pleased. As soon as the door closes, Mystique transforms into something small and scatters.  
  
DUKI: "Where is she?"  
  
PYRO: *Annoyed* "I don't know *Drops on hands and knees* Hurry up. Look for her before she gets outside."  
  
DUKI: *Also on her hands and knees* "What did she turn into?"  
  
PYRO: "I think it was an African Dung Beetle."  
  
FORGE: *Holds up a bug* "I found her!"  
  
PYRO: *Examines Forge's catch* "No, that's a roach."  
  
DUKI: *Holds up another bug* "What about this?"  
  
PYRO: "That's a Carpet Beetle."  
  
DUKI: "How do you know all this?"  
  
PYRO: "I get bored."  
  
FORGE: *Holds yet another bug* "What about this?"  
  
PYRO: "Nope."  
  
DUKI: "Is it just me or do we have a lot of bugs around."  
  
A scrunched up paper ball is thrown at Duki's head.  
  
DUKI: *Picks up paper, unfold it and reads* "You'll never catch me. Ha ha. *Confused* who threw that?"  
  
Another paper ball is hurled at Duki.  
  
DUKI: *Reads* "P.S It's me, Mystique."  
  
FORGE: "Found her. *To Mystique* You can stay under your own free will or I can collar you so you won't escape."  
  
MYSTIQUE: "Fine, just ask the questions so I can go."  
  
DUKI: "First one from Raze: 1. When you becomes a cat or something...where does the rest of her body go?"  
  
MYSTIQUE: "Would you like a science lesson?"  
  
DUKI: "No, just the layman terms please."  
  
MYSTIQUE: "To put it simply, the rest of me gets compacted."  
  
DUKI: "Number two from Raze: 2. When you become a man do you *ahem* completely become a man?"  
  
MYSTIQUE: "If I wanted to, yes. But of course my gender will always remain female under normal circumstances."  
  
DUKI: "This is from Faeryeyes: why does Rogue not look like you?"  
  
MYSTIQUE: "Because I adopted Rogue, she is not my biological daughter."  
  
DUKI: "Faeryeyes also asks: who is your least favorite member of the BoM?"  
  
MYSTIQUE: "Who is currently in the BoM or recently, because my answer is Pietro."  
  
DUKI: "I guess that makes sense. Number three from Faeryeyes: when you change into an animal, are you the least bit worried that some bimbo will shoot you down? or run you over? i would... mostly because my sister is driving now, and i think the number of small forest animals has already decreased."  
  
MYSTIQUE: "There's always the risk, but I go for it."  
  
DUKI: "Last one from Faeryeyes: 4. what is your favorite thing to shapeshift into?"  
  
MYSTIQUE: "It's fun to infiltrate security on a film set, but I really enjoyed my time as Risty Wilde."  
  
DUKI: "Film sets? You mean you can get previews for movies?"  
  
MYSTIQUE: "I can also lock the actors in their trailers."  
  
DUKI: "Back to the questions, this one's from Marzi: Have you ever turned yourself into food and then been eaten?"  
  
MYSTIQUE: "No, animals I can manage, but food that's not the dead version of an animal is beyond my abilities."  
  
DUKI: "Second one from Marzi: Have you ever been a guy?(HINT, HINT!^^)"  
  
MYSTIQUE: "Yes, but I don't get the hints."  
  
DUKI: "Three: Have you got any clothes bigger than size 2?"  
  
MYSTIQUE: "Who needs clothes when you're your own wardrobe?"  
  
DUKI: "Good point. Last one from Marzi: a Porsh or Rolls Royce?"  
  
MYSTIQUE: "I generally like jets better, but if you have to go by ground then go and buy a Porsh."  
  
DUKI: "Yeah, that's it."  
  
MYSTIQUE: "I've seen your other shows, this one doesn't seem as exciting."  
  
DUKI: "I'm tired okay?"  
  
MYSTIQUE: "Can I leave now?"  
  
DUKI: "Sure." *Pushes a button*  
  
Mystique is suddenly dumped into a hole.  
  
FORGE: "Duki, that was the garbage carrier."  
  
DUKI: "Oh. . . she'll try to kill me won't she?"  
  
Everyone nods.  
  
VOICE OVER GUY (Yeah. We know it's Pyro): "And that's all for now. Tune in next time for another fun-filled episode of Duki's Incredibly Insane and Politically Incorrect X-men Evo Show!"  
  
*****  
  
Forge ~ that was actually a quiet show.  
  
Rubber Duki ~ yeah, but that's only because I used up all my random energy on my other fic.  
  
Pyro ~ you mean the one that makes no sense whatsoever?  
  
Duki ~ Yeah, and people seem to like it too.  
  
Next time: Professor X and Sabertooth  
  
-Rubber Duki 


End file.
